Humour

Thinking of Having Kids?

I found this over at Bad Dad Radio. I haven’t laughed so much in ages, so I thought I’d repost it here. [Make sure you’re sitting down].

Thinking of Having Kids? Do this 11 step program first!

Lesson 1
1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the newspaper.
5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their…
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s breast feeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior. Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel…
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out…
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this – all morning.

Lesson 6
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don’t think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7
Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you’re thinking What’s ‘Noggin’?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10
Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying ‘mommy’ repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each ‘mommy’; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this
tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the ‘mommy’ tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Who’s blogging what?

  • Halden tells us why John Owen’s soteriology threatens to turn God into ‘little more than an omnipotent demon’.
  • Byron responds to common Christian misconceptions of going-to-heaven-when-you-die in a wee reflection on John 14.
  • Ben introduces us to Matthew Myer Boulton’s new book, God against Religion: Rethinking Christian Theology through Worship.
  • Cramner has a swipe at Google in his post on the Christian Institute’s suing of the Goliath.
  • If you’re a parent (or planning to be) and you need a good laugh (which you do), then click here.
  • Richard is posting a interesting series on The Theology of Ugly in which he offers, among things, reflections on Grünewald’s Isenheim Altarpiece. (Parts I, II, III, IV, V). He writes of Grünewald’s piece:

‘… the monks at the Monastery of St. Anthony specialized in hospital work, particularly the treatment of ergotism, the gangrenous poisoning known as “Saint Anthony’s fire.” In ancient times ergotism was largely caused by ingesting a fungus-afflicted rye or cereal. The symptoms of ergotism included the shedding of the outer layers of the skin, edema, and the decay of body tissues which become black, infected, and malodorous. Prior to death the rotting tissue and limbs are lost or amputated. In 857 a contemporary report of St. Anthony’s fire described ergotism like this: “a Great plague of swollen blisters consumed the people by a loathsome rot, so that their limbs were loosened and fell off before death.” The theological power of the Isenheim Altarpiece is that Grünewald painted the gangrenous symptoms of ergotism into his crucifixion scene. As the patients of St. Anthony’s Monastery worshiped, and a more hideous, ugly and diseased congregation can scarce be imagined, they looked upon the Isenheim Altarpiece and saw a God who suffered with them.

Recent meanderings from around the traps

 

 

Firstly, I loved this quote: ‘The old pagans had to choose between a brilliant, jangling, irresponsible universe, alive with lawless powers, and the serene and ordered universe of God and law. We modern pagans have to choose between that divine order, and the grey, dead, irresponsible, chaotic universe of atheism. And the tragedy is that we may make that choice without knowing it – not by clear conviction but by vague drifting, by losing interest in Him. A nominal deist will say: “Yes, of course there must be some sort of Force that created the galaxy. But it’s childish to imagine that it has any personal relation to me!” In that belief atheism exists as an undiagnosed disease. The man who says, “One God,” and does not care, is an atheist in his heart. The man who speaks of God and will not recognize him in the burning bush – that man is an atheist, though he speak with the tongues of men or angels, and appear in his pew every Sunday, and make large contributions to the church’. –– Joy Davidman (Smoke on the Mountain). (HT: Linus)

Jim has been posting some great reflections here, here, here, here and here on Van Balthasar and Karl Barth; and Halden from Inhabitatio Dei has been posting on NT Wright’s Jesus and the Victory of God here.

I was disappointed to read here that the Vatican had banned its priests and nuns from taking part in demonstrations in Burma.

For those who have not yet heard, on 5 October Fixed Point Foundation will sponsor a debate on the existence of God between Prof Richard Dawkins and Dr John Lennox. The debate will center on Dawkins’ views as expressed in The God Delusion. The debate is currently sold out, but it will be broadcast live by Moody Broadcasting, Salem Radio Network, and their affiliates. For live online streaming of the debate, click here. More information here.

Found this video on ‘Ebay’ by Weird Al Yankovic clever! And George Bush outlines his plan to provide health insurance for sickly kids here.

Picking your way to health and happiness

Clint, over at Dadventure has posted the following. It was just too brilliant to not post somewhere else and here seemed as good a place as any:

Apparently, according to an Austrian doctor, picking your nose and eating it might be good for you. According to Dr. Friedrich Bischinger, an Innsbruck-based lung specialist:

“Medically it makes great sense and is a perfectly natural thing to do. In terms of the immune system the nose is a filter in which a great deal of bacteria are collected, and when this mixture arrives in the intestines it works just like a medicine.”

However, like many other parenting issues, there is always another side; the dangers of digging for gold.

If the skin inside the nose is broken while picking away, the veins in that region are situated in such a way that sometimes an infection can migrate inward to the base of the brain and inhibit the blood flow, a serious condition known as cavernous sinus thrombosis.

To let the kids pick and eat their way to health and happiness, or risk a brain hemorrhage and social isolation? Damn, this parenting thing is never easy.

If you’re really fascinated and you just need to keep reading, there’s more here.

Parental Rights

‘The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously’. – Hubert Humphrey, cited in Craig R. Smith, Silencing the Opposition: Government Strategies of Suppression of Freedom of Expression (Albany: State University of New York Press, 1996), 195.

Out of the closet: a meme

Inspired by Peter Leithart, Ben Myers has invited us to post some ‘theological confessions’. Judging by the huge response, there’s obviously a lot of need for confession around. I’ve been trying to resist, but OK … I give in.

  1. I confess that although my confession in Jesus’ lordship seems way too important to be part of this confession, there is no place in which such a confession is anything less than entirely proper.
  2. I confess that sometimes I think that all the problems in the world would go away if people (not me of course, but those other people) could just read and take in (just about) everything that Forsyth says.
  3. I confess that I prefer Wittenberg to Rome, I prefer Geneva to Wittenberg, and I prefer a good fishing spot more than them all.
  4. I confess that reading books about prayer is almost as hard as actually praying.
  5. I confess that Barth’s Dogmatics gets better as he warms up.
  6. I confess that although I’m stimulated by the Torrance’s reading of Calvin (and Barth), I’m unconvinced that they are always telling us the truth about the two blokes (i.e. are always faithful interpreters).
  7. I confess that I was fairly serious when I asked recently whether or not PhD theses on Barth ought to be discouraged for a wee bit. (I am not implying here that we ought to neglect the bloke).
  8. I confess that that I’m glad that there’s only three in the Godhead because my maths is useless and the doctrine is hard enough to understand, let alone live in.
  9. I confess that the US version of The Office is better than the UK version. I sub-confess that as an Aussie I never thought I would say this about anything American.
  10. I confess that American Football is the most boring game on the planet. The fact that it is enjoyed by so many morons is both the greatest single simultaneous evidence for the doctrine of total depravity and common grace.
  11. I confess that I’m glad that the fire accompanying the open theist debates seems to have died down.
  12. I confess that sometimes I wish Beza had never heard of Calvin.
  13. I confess that I feel far too stupid to be doing a PhD.
  14. I confess that bad coffee and bad shoes are not better than no coffee and no shoes.
  15. I confess that there may be one or two people who disagree with #14, particularly those who actually don’t own a pair of shoes.
  16. I confess that (with Sean) I am one of the few Baptists that still think that studying Greek ought be a mandatory part of training for the pastoral ministry of word and sacrament.
  17. I confess that (following on from above) I am something of a hypocrite and that I wish had stuck at my Greek and Hebrew more than I do.
  18. I confess that Gertrude Stein (1874-1946) was onto something when she said that ‘Everybody gets so much information all day long that they lose their common sense’. If only she had known about the great joys and distractions of blogging!
  19. I confess that theology happens best not in the academy nor on blogs but in the local Church and its proclamation which it exists to serve.
  20. I confess that I always enjoy reading a good fiction book with a cup of tea.
  21. I confess that I don’t understand the objections to ‘double-predestination’ by those non- Barthians who imply that ‘single predestination’ seems so much more gracious.
  22. I confess that the Gospel is still good news to the poor.
  23. I confess that I find it hard to trust teetotallers.
  24. I confess that I am genuinely grieved at the dearth of contemporary hymns on the atonement.
  25. I confess that I learn more theology in an hour with Dostoevsky than in an hour with almost any other theologian.
  26. I confess that I’m pleased that sinful bloggers have decided to exercise their bondaged will’s and ignore Ben‘s invitation that these confessions concern themselves with ‘a list of intellectual confessions’.
  27. I confess that I have prayed that some of the brilliant Barthian theologians around might start to do some serious bible exegetical work when doing their theology.
  28. I confess that I have prayed that some of the brilliant non-Barthian theologians around might start to do some serious bible exegetical work when doing their theology.
  29. I confess that I’ve enjoyed Byron’s confessions the most of all.
  30. I confess that Christianity stands or falls with its preaching.

BTW: some have been asking – even confessing – that they don’t know what a ‘meme’ is. The answer is here.

Making the time …

As many readers of this blog know, it’s not easy finding time for building the marriage and doing the research. Any tips? What measures do you have in place in order to give proper energy to home and study? Are there things we can be learning from each other here? One example, I always seek to stop working as soon as Judy gets home from work and set aside the next few hours for catching up and playing with Sinead together. This often involves going for a walk.

Versus Technology

Sometimes I think that the Moltmann/Polkinhorne/Binfield types reveal a fantastic wisdom in their decision to live email-, and even computer-, free. Of course I only think that because I read it somewhere online. I don't need to use my own brain anymore ... except when my computer crashes. And I'm most happy when my RAM is least clogged.

cartoon from www.weblogcartoons.com

Cartoon by Dave Walker. Find more cartoons you can freely re-use on your blog at We Blog Cartoons.

Breakin’ up

Today, a friend of mine sent me this wee list of break up lines, the content of which is amusing enough to warrant a post here. (Apologies to those who have seen it before.)

Atheist: The burden of proof is on you to establish the existence of this so-called “god” but I believe that if there was any such divine entity “it” would not want us to continue dating.

Intelligent Design Theorist: Our relationship bears the marks of irreducible complexity making it too difficult to explain by way of natural causes. Therefore, there the most reasonable conclusion is that we were designed to break up since things have gotten so complicated.

Calvinist: We were predestined before the creation of the world to break up according to God’s good pleasure. I am, on my own power, unable to break up with you apart from the irresistible draw of God’s sovereign grace which leads me to end this relationship. Those that truly break up will not get back together in the end.

Arminian: While you love me and have a wonderful plan for my life, I have the power to resist your will. If I did not, love would not be possible. For our relationship to be loving it needs to include the possibility of breaking up – something I am doing right now.

New Perspective on Paul Scholar: Rather than earning God’s blessing, it is established on the basis of our covenant courtship (I asked your dad to date you didn’t I?) which requires the proper response of an intentional and deliberate pursuit of marriage. Yet there is no such pursuit, therefore God’s blessing on or relationship is no longer maintained.

Open Theist: I am not really sure if we are supposed to be together, because neither is God.

Theistic Evolutionist: The beauty and rhythm of random variation and natural selection over long periods of time has presented us with a world where God has shown us that our relationship is too biologically expensive to maintain and is destined for extinction.

Young Earth Creationist: No, I do not believe we have been going out for that long. Our relationship is only six days old and the on the seventh God rested. I think we need a rest too.

Emergent: The question if whether we are in relationship or not is mired in Modernity’s obsession with propositional truth. A better a way to look at this is to enter into God’s story about how he led us together and is now leading us apart.

Catholic: Honey, I think the Virgin Mary is leading us in different directions. I think it is her will that we break up.

Lutheran: I want our relationship to continue, but first there are a few things about you that God wants to change. Here is a list of 95 that I made. What? OK, then, I guess we’re done.

Fundamentalist: You have tarnished the pure nature of our love by incorporating such heathen elements as ‘dating’ and ‘fun’. I am afraid I can no longer court you – yea, even speak to you – until you repent of this apostasy.

Mennonite: At that holiest barn raising two weeks prior to this conversational exchange I realised, as I drove you home at sunset in my best carriage, that there are other falsettos in the choir; some that art willing, with all fervent spirit, to trimmest my beard and even my eyebrows on such special occasion, and would, though it hurts me to spake this, make a more holy match.

In need of some cachinnation?

There comes a time in every theologian’s life (or day) when s/he must leave aside wading through Tillich and Barth and Jenson (never Forsyth of course!:-)) and just have a good cachinnate. So for those who are already at that time of the day/week (it is already Monday you know) here’s a piece you might appreciate. If, for some strange reason, you have a different sense of humour to me and do not appreciate this clip, then simply delete and get back to what you’re meant to be working on, like I should be doing.

http://ship-of-fools.com/Signs/blunders/hello_pastor.html